The Volume Is Perfect

04/22/2020

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Spending time in the little nook studio I created for myself over the last month plus. It’s a small space in the basement corner of the laundry and it fits my needs for now. It’s quiet and I have the room to myself. At times I prefer to work in silence, rather I forget to turn on music, or eat or drink water…the basics. Though, tonight I look to the musical device and select a handful of my favorite tracks, many of which I haven’t heard in several months; songs I play frequently while I cook or feed into the jukebox on a Thursday night at the clubhouse. The music begins and I settle in with my canvas. The volume is perfect and I have all that I need in this moment. I am humming along and the focus is where it needs to be. I sense a wave. My body feels light. My breath harmonic and my every movement intentional. I know what’s coming. A collaboration of grief and gratitude and fear and love and helplessness and exhaustion washes over as the music reaches crescendo…I bury my face in my hands. I feel no shame. I am connected. I have only so much control. I have been here before. All at once and more than once in recent weeks. It’s quiet. I feel a shift change and recognize the harmony return as I breath. My eyes are heavy and I know I am not long for the night. I fill my glass with water as I put myself and canvas to bed. The music has ended for now but will be with me again in the morning…

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